I need to make healthier food choices. This sinus infection is because of all the dairy I've been eating lately, and although I know dairy does this, it tastes so good and is so addicting I can't help but eat it. It's got to stop.

And my blood pressure is going up again from all the meat and salt I've been using. Again, I know these things affect me this way, so why did "God lead me" to these foods? Is it as I wrote in an earlier post, that my God is the mean and vindictive one? Must be.

I'm taking back my will and going back on a mostly McDougall food plan. If I keep eating the "God directed way" I'll die of a heart attack before Easter.

The Thin Within book calls this decision "Phase 2." I call it a return to sanity, that it wasn't God but the devil that drove me away from my former healthy eating habits and into the world of unhealthy meats and fatty foods again.

The World Is Spinning By

First of all, I'm sick. It started coming on a few days ago, that sinus yuckiness, the congested and fuzzy head, poor sleep. Yesterday it settled into a full blown sinus infection, complete with the aggravated tinnitus and weird smell in my nose. I'm also a bit on the dizzy side today. A double dose of dizziness - the changing air pressure always makes me dizzy and sinus infections do, too. I'm sitting here at the keyboard holding on because I'm listing to the left with these clogged ears affecting my equilibrium.

I took a deep breath . . .

and calmed down a bit. The more I read in the official Thin Within forums the more I see that many others have gone through exactly what I'm going through. For instance, the list in this thread would be identical to mine, except substitute "McDougall" for "Atkins" and "Foodmover" for "Zone."

And the feelings about not being deserving of a thin body that's in this thread looks very familiar - I probably felt this way for decades.

After yesterday's rambling post I spent a lot of time obsessing over "healthy eating" and choosing the "right" foods to eat, going as far as making up a pot of soup because I felt that was all I deserved to eat. I made plans to go back to strict McDougalling, heck, maybe even forgoing my pasta and going on MWLP to jumpstart the weight loss. Then I thought long and hard and realized I didn't want to go back on that food plan because it might lead to weight loss again, as it did once in the past when I followed the super strict form of it.

No, I wanted to go back on McDougall because it's an "eat to satisfaction" food plan and I could fill my stomach again. I like the sensation of being full, even if it is only veggies and rice. Thin Within eating leaves me hungry even after a meal because we're to stop at a 5 out of 10, eat only half of what we usually eat to start, to live in a constant state of hunger. To live the rest of my life with a level 5 being the fullest my stomach ever gets would be sheer torture. I would constantly be thinking of food and how much longer I have to wait until I finally get down to zero again so I could eat again.

This web page compares and comments on some of the popular diet plans out there, and the author has some harsh words about plans like WDW and TW:

Similar to Weigh Down, Thin Within tells members to only eat when they are hungry. The program tracks eating patterns based on a hunger scale where 0 denotes real hunger and 5 denotes fullness. The scale is a way to gage "God-given signals of hunger and fullness." There are no dietary restraints or forbidden foods uses.

According to Gerbstadt, fasting can be unhealthy especially for people who have diabetes and who have a history of binging.

"Food plans that don’t have you eating three to five hours is probably not going to give you a lot of energy – you’re going to have highs and lows in your blood glucose," states Gerbstadt.

"So, any diet that tells you to wait until you’re hungry and it happens to be in six to seven hours, you won’t be at your optimum whether you realize it or not. I’m not against the idea of waiting until you’re hungry but you should be within every five hours."

Because I do have a history of BED (binge eating disorder) and hypoglycemia, and because I can go 12 or more hours without my hunger hitting a zero (and because I feel hungrier after eating than before), I think Thin Within may not be right for me.

As I wrote the other day, I will continue to read the books and see where it takes me, but right now the tide seems to be taking me in a different direction.

Hit Me With A Clue Stick

Actually, I found out it's called the "club of condemnation" in Thin Within parlance. We're told not to beat ourselves up, but to "observe and correct" ourselves when we eat out of anything other than a zero-level hunger or fail to stop before we hit a 5.

But my God is not the flower-child, peace-love-happiness God of born again Christians. No, my God is the vengeful God of the Old Testament, the God who drowns babies, tortures Job and taunts Moses. This is why I had a hard time with Overeaters Anonymous, too. Ask God to help you? My God would toss me down on the ground, stomp on my head, and tell me to pull myself up and take care of my own problems, then like a Marine drill sergeant tell me to drop and give him 20 (Our Fathers, not push-ups in this case).

I spent the three day weekend following Thin Within - not eating until I hit a zero, stopping at 5 or below. I ate what I wanted to eat, including the cake my husband bought for Valentine's Day, even though I told him not to. "Trust God" and follow the rules? I broke the first rule and got on the scale this morning and saw I gained 3 1/2 pounds in the past 3 days. Yeah, this is the God I know. And I've spent the past decade trying to get rid of Him and accept the God within that Tao teaches.The more I read about Tao De Ching and the writings about Jesus Christ, the more I see that the writers of the Bible just rewrote a lot of the old Chinese writings to fit into a new religion, a new deity, just like they changed other pagan holidays and celebrations around to fit in Christmas and Easter with the pagan calendars.

What to do next? Continue along this track and trust that it all turns out right in the end? Trust God? Trust Tao? Trust Dr. McDougall? I already know I can't trust myself if weight loss is my goal.

Curses! Foiled Again!

I got taken in again with a weight loss plan. Don't eat until your hunger hits zero, stop eating when (or before) you hit a 5 out of 10, eat one bite more than what will satisfy your hunger and you're being a glutton and gluttony is one of the 7 Deadly Sins and you'll make Jesus and God cry, but God loves you anyway because he made Jesus die for you so remember this the next time you want to take a bite to eat if your hunger isn't exactly at zero but don't feel guilty about all this because God (and Jesus) loves you anyway.

ARGH!!

As I wrote in another post, it's an eating disorder waiting to happen, as not eating anything is the safest (theologically) thing to do. I just can't do this any more, even though I've only been doing it this way for a week and didn't even finish reading the Thin Within book and the other book hasn't even arrived yet. I'll probably continue with the reading, but I doubt it's going to change my mind.

Thin Within doesn't seem to be a good program for life-long Catholics. We're into rules and regulations, guilt, confession and punishments for our mis-deeds and sins, and if it's a sin to eat when not at zero or eating beyond a five, a Catholic not following the program 100% would be in confession and doing penance 24/7 and still walk around in a constant state of fear and guilt..

Perhaps I should go back to reading the Overcoming Overeating books, instead. No fear, no guilt, and you still learn to get back in touch with natural hunger signals without all these silly rules.