WHY, Oh why don't I believe this is going to work for me? I guess 50+ years of dieting has taken its mental toll on me. I go just a few hours with OO in mind, and start panicking that the small piece of kielbasy I'm about to eat is going to put weight on me or raise my blood pressure, that maybe I should have some brown rice and veggies (plain, no gravy or sauce) or just a salad instead.

I had a nice talk with hubby over the weekend. Poor guy! He's been with me through thick and thicker (I've never been thin in my life!), diet after diet, and he's probably so sick of listening to me whine, not just about how guilty and frustrated I feel when I eat like a normal person, but the continuous weight gain even while sticking strictly to the McDougall MWLP (Maximum Weight Loss Program - http://www.fatfree.com/diets/mcdougall.html ) . More than once he told me to forget about trying to adhere to a "diet" but to just eat like a normal person. This is a man who weighs the same now, at age 54, as he did when he graduated high school! He once lost 50 pounds on a whim back in college, didn't like the way he felt, added back his night time snack and regained the weight, and has stayed there ever since with no thought or effort. How I wish *I* could be like that!

Anyway, every now and then I look back at my old journals and food journals. Ever since I started keeping them, back before my 21 y.o. son was even conceived, I've been moaning about the same thing. I would truly like to stop dieting and start living, but then events like this weekend's occur.

I've worn size 3X since high school. I gain and lose weight in places where it doesn't matter to size - in my face, in my back, on my feel and legs, upper arms - you get the picture. I felt so good about *not* dieting that I told hubby I want to go out and buy new summer tops, so we headed to K-Mart on Saturday. There weren't many shirts that size, and some I held up looked smaller than a child's Large, but I finally found 4 that looked good. Their dressing rooms are too dangerous to go into, especially alone, but the shirts looked like they'd fit when I held them up, and 3X in The Avenue last week was big enough - even too big in the underarm area, which is why I didn't buy them - so I bought these, anyway. It was warm out, so as soon as we got home I figured I'd put one on. It's been so long since I had *new* clothes I was almost giddy. I don't count the stuff I bought at the Fat Girl Flea Market as "new", even though they were new to *me*.

I cried. All 4 tops clung like casing on a sausage, even the shoulders, where they're usually loose on me! It was so humiliating and frustrating! HOW can I even THINK of not dieting if I look like THIS?? When the largest size clothes in the store don't fit, where do I turn next? Is not dieting and gaining back everything I previously lost even an option any more? I'm *wearing* the size I wore when I was almost 300 pounds, the size I tried to buy is the size I wore at almost 300 pounds!

I *can* make my own clothing, but you know how frustrating *that* is, especially when you're one size on top, another on the bottom, and not only do you not know anyone else who sews but there's not even a fabric store in the same city? Well, there *is* a craft store that sells fabric, but the selection is very limited. If you want a calico, denim, upholstery fabric, or specialty prints around Christmastime, then it's okay, but double-knits suitable for t's and tanks? Nope. It would have to be mail ordered, and because I'm on such a limited budget as it is, anything I buy sight-unseen might be really crappy and usually non-returnable. Besides, with my neuritis and arthritis in my neck, anything more than 15 minutes at the sewing machine and I'm crippled up for a few weeks.

So, I just spent the past 48 hours alternately crying about weight gain and crying because even when I starve myself I continue to gain and crying because if I don't stay on a very low cal food plan I'll gain even more. Last week alone I gained - - -

Huh! I didn't gain anything! And it's the same as the week before, too. In fact, I'm only 3 pounds more than I was on May 20th, and I started gaining when I was still on strict McDougall. Not dieting (but still obsessing) hasn't put more than 3 pounds on me in a month.

Maybe this will work out, afterall. I just have to:
1) Stop weighing myself.
2) Finish reading the OO and When Women Stop Hating Their Bodies books.
2) Get back into sewing. Even cheap fabric can make a nice blouse when made by the right person.
3) STOP DIETING, stop starving myself, and start eating when hungry!

This morning I went to the cemetary to plant a hydrangea bush on the grave site that my parents and grandparents are in. I promised my step-mom I would bring flowers for my dad's "first Father's Day in Heaven" and I was too depressed to do it last week so I went today after the laundromat. I spent the entire trip - first to the nursery to buy the bush, then the drive out to plant it and visit a while - thinking about FOOD because I hadn't eating in about 4 hours. Even when I got in I was a "good little girl" and didn't eat but came to the computer and started putzing around, including writing most of this post. At least after a while I did get up and make myself something I just "discovered" the weeks I was following OO - a fruit smoothie. All I use is a ripe banana, some strawberries, OJ and soy milk, but to me it's as rich as a milk shake, something else I haven't had in 20 years.

I do have my work cut out for me, don't I?

This afternoon I better spend some time with my patterns and fabric stash. I *must* have a tank top pattern or 2 in nearly my size that I can alter, and maybe even some suitable cotton knit fabric hiding somewhere. I'm debating whether or not I should return the shirts that don't fit, save them for the FAR future when I might fit into them, or do what I plan on doing to some Disney t's I have alter them to fit. I'll probably wind up just returning them. Why bother having that reminder of how fat I am (or how cheap K-Mart is) around?