It's been 10 days, and for those of you who *know* OO, you've already probably suspected that since I last posted I've been on and off the "diet" plan at least 10 times now. And you're right!

I've been having such a hard time convincing myself that I should *not* be eating just veggies & whole grains, that a few cookies won't kill me, that it's alright to have a (non-veggie) burger and fries now and then. And when I do eat them, I feel so guilty that for the next few meals I eat even less than before, as a punishment or something.

This morning I stopped by my parents' grave again. The flowering hydrangea bush I planted a week ago is dead, trampled over by people who attended another burial next to theirs. I was so annoyed, as that bush cost more than what I usually spend on dinner for the 3 of us each night! And it started me off. I remember promising my dad that I'd stop dieting and start living just days before he died in April, then felt so guilty (That word again. I guess it comes from being Catholic) that I let him down so much in life, and now I'm letting him down in death. Then I started thinking about how my husband and son have patiently been putting up with my wacky diets all these years, and felt bad for that. I told myself that my own husband isn't going to be around forever, either, so I really should stop all this restricted food nonsense and just feed us all with normal foods in normal amounts, make dessert every day, and not worry about losing a few (or dreams of over 100) pounds.

So I start again. Dinner today is some Mexican pasta dish that I already planned and shopped for; tomorrow is our weekly homemade pizza day; Saturday is our spaghetti day. But come Sunday, it's old-fashioned, All-American family favorites, like Mac & Cheese, burgers on the 4th of July, meatloaf and pork chops - all favorites of hubby and the kid but rarely served because I'm always "on a diet".

Hubby & I are already in our 50's and have at most about 30 years left to go. Do I really want to spend them eating tofu and carrot sticks? My dad didn't, and he lived a nice, full life, even with cancer for his last 15 years. He ate what he wanted and was happy and active, even the day he died he ate a donut and had regular (not decaf) coffee and some chocolate pudding. That's how *I* would like to go when the time comes!

I think after lunch I'll give my stepmom a call. She always cheers me up, especially when it comes to food. Too bad she lives 1200 miles away.