Oh, well

Forget about the reference in the message below to the widget graphic on the lower right - it seems to have vanished. I'll have to see if I was able to save it to my HD at the time and if I did, I'll post it in the future.

Nothing happening on the food and weight loss front. My doc is weaning me off my hypothyroid supplement so I was told to expect a slight weight gain. It's been 2 days and already the scale is up 3 pounds. Then again, yesterday was Valentine's Day and hubby brought home chocolate fudge brownies (mine), cream filled donuts (his) and sprinkle donuts (the kid's). I ate 2, hubby ate 3, and the kid ate 6. There are 2 donuts left and I already told my boys that they better have them finished by this evening's garbage run or they're being tossed. The kid assured me they'll make a nice dessert to his lunch today.

My rosacea is getting worse. It started within a week of my first dose of Synthroid and its severity was independent of the dosage. Hopefully when all the synthetic thyroid is out of my system in a few days the skin will start to clear. The doc gave me a script for Metrogel ointment, but with all the warnings and side effects I'd rather stick with washing in clear water and using the aloe vera gel, especially since a lot of the pustules are so close to my eyes and mouth. When I hit the HFS tomorrow I'll look for an all-natural cleanser and moisturizer and make sure it's fragrance-free so it doesn't start aggravating the asthma like some other products, like Noxema, do.

See the gadget/widget on the bottom right?

The one with the virtual model in the red dress? I'm a bit pudgier than that, even though I popped my height and weight accurately into the page.

Notice how the model's shape doesn't change until it loses 48 pounds.

Now THAT is accuracy! I had to lose 50 pounds before I saw any change in my body shape when I went down from 296 to 245, and it was still barely noticeable. I wore the same size clothes, they were just a bit looser. Now that I'm 30 pounds higher, 8 years older, menopausal and officially hypothyroid, my clothing size is larger than it was at 296 because the weight didn't go back where it came from, it went to the butt and waist, instead.

I should have left well enough alone.

Next Contender, Please

Oh, fuck it!

I was about to write a long post once again about the futility of dieting for weight loss, yet I still wanted to try, try again because I looked in the mirror and saw not me but a tub of lard.

It's SO FUCKING DEPRESSING when I try, try, try and get so damn frustrated because I go 2 steps forward, 3 steps back. (And don't give me that Yoda bullshit "There is no "try," just do. I DO "do.")

This post I read this morning made me feel a bit better, but that was before I looked in the mirror.

I wish I could find - and afford - a therapist who is aware of Overcoming Overeating . In the meantime I keep hating the way I look, keep restricting my eating and hope that some day the weight will magically - and healithy - leave my body and make me acceptable to society.

The Extermination of Fat People

It's got to be done. Weight-loss, that is. Hospitals & doctors are refusing surgery to people because they're merely overweight; life-saving organ transplants refused until BMI's are brought down under 35 - an impossible task for people on dialysis with kidney failure or full of fluid because of heart and/or lung failure; refused joint replacements if BMI is over 30!! To think that I might be refused to be allowed to live until my weight is down to 170, a level I haven't seen in over 40 years, or even lower!!!

So what can I do?

Well, I already know I have to eat under 1000 calories a day if I want to loose even 1 pound a week, so I guess I'm going to have to stop eating full meals and just eat a 200 calorie "meal" every few hours. To prevent the nutritional deficiencies that will certainly occur by depriving this body of food I'm going to have to invest in some super-duper multi-vitamin and minerals, too. And why not an occasional trip to the hospital for some IV fluids now and then?

Forget exercise - my blood sugar will be so low, my bones so brittle, that anything I try to do will only harm me, if I even had the strength to do an exercise video or hop on the treadmill.

And I'll no longer be a good wife or mother, as I'll have no strength to care for this apartment or do any basic cooking or cleaning - I'm already weak and fatigued due to my 25 years history of CFS and now the still un-treated hypothyroidism. Sooner or later the doc will get the dosage right, but in the meantime being deficient is harming my metabolism a bit more each day so it'll never be considered normal. A slow metabolism isn't going to lead to any great amounts of weight loss, so I'll most likely have to eat even less way than the 1000 calories I needed to lose weight as an active pre-teen, over 40 years ago.

So I'll be obsessing even more about food in the future. Oh, joy.

But I really should have a more positive attitude about this. So what if I won't be able to eat again for the rest of my life. Food - and living - is highly over rated, don'cha think?

Nah! Did you (or *I*) really think that was gonna happen, that I would cut back my already trimmed-down list of allowable foods, the ones on the McDougall Plan for something less? Sure, I can go back to eating meat and dairy and count every quarter teaspoon that I use and maybe lose a pound or so a month. Then I would be feeling like I predicted above. Or I can just continue to eat healthy low fat vegan foods and let my lab work and blood pressure show the results better than the scale could.

Yeah, I think that's what's gonna happen instead.

Here I Go Again

Will I ever get a hold of my eating? Since my last post in October I spent 3 months passing the flu back and forth among family members, gained back 15 hard-lost pounds, fell back into the sugar and salty snacks, and almost completely stopped exercising.

I also stopped reading all my Overeaters Anonymous literature. I even packed up all the books and tapes and put them in storage.

But today a glimpse of sanity returned with the chance reading of someone's blog, someone who has recently returned to OA herself, and she sounded so serene, even though no weight had been lost yet.

I want what she has, and the only way to do it is to dive back into OA!

So today I went into the storage area and unpacked all the OA lit from that box. I kept all the diet books in there, though. Most of them are memorized already, anyway. A lot of good that did, huh? Already I read from my daily meditations books, typed up some journalling, re-subbed to the few OA lists I didn't find too over-the-top, and now I'm writing this post. Later on I'll sit in on an on-line meeting or 2, and tomorrow start the search for a sponsor who's compatible with my vegan food plan.

Still Crazy After All These Years

It's more than a Paul Simon song, it's the story of my weight-loss life.

Why don't I even listen to myself?? I said back in June I would stop dieting, then in July I went on 1200 calories for 2 months, lost a grand total of 5 pounds at the end (after first gaining a few then losing a few to finish at a loss), and as soon as I started eating apx 1400 - 1600 cal again immediately regained them.

I have a birthday coming up. I just spent the past week reviewing a number of weight loss plans, from the old Deal A Meal to the Rice Diet, thought I was coming to this blog to change it to a weight loss journey, read what I previously wrote, and now I'm having second (millionth!!) thoughts again.

This past week I made wholesome family meals, and last night hubby commented on how content his tummy has been, but he's waiting for the other show to drop, for me to return to low-cal meals. I told him nothing we ate was particularly high in calories - tofu, skinless chicken breasts, tuna, even a vegan meal made primarily of broccoli and chickpeas - and he asked why we don't eat like this every week, if it's so good for us.

(sigh)

I've really got to get my head on straight! I'm already in my mid-50's - do I really want to spend the rest of my life like I spent the past 50+ years when it comes to food?

I didn't think so!

Ya know what, don't even bother reading this post. Just scroll down to what I wrote almost a year ago and re-read it, because the sentiments are the same.

At least I made a bit of progress since then. I bought a cookbook that, although it's still vegan, it's far from low fat. Since I bought Vegan With A Vengeance last month I've been having fun baking again. Whodda thunk you could make healthier cupcakes? I have to cut back on the sugar and use some whole wheat flour in them because of my hypoglycemia and teeth (I had to hit the dentist after the third batch of cupcakes, but there's no cavity), but even with those slight changes the food is delicious.

I'm allowing myself fruit juice again, something I avoided for years because Dr. McDougall said juices are bad for you.

I even have real chocolate now and then again, and can even keep a bag of chocolate chip cookies in the house without devouring them within 24 hours or less. Holy shiitake! I guess OO does work when you work it!

And I'm about to draw the line on scrambled tofu. I just had it again today, only the third time ever, and not only does it taste horrible and nothing like eggs, I could buy an entire dozen organic eggs from free-range chickens for what it cost to make! Why eat bad tasting food?

And what I'm about to say next will be no surprise to the chronic dieters out there. You know when I lost the most weight? Yep, after I stopped the very low fat, low cal food plan and started eating the baked goods and real foods again.