The Extermination of Fat People

It's got to be done. Weight-loss, that is. Hospitals & doctors are refusing surgery to people because they're merely overweight; life-saving organ transplants refused until BMI's are brought down under 35 - an impossible task for people on dialysis with kidney failure or full of fluid because of heart and/or lung failure; refused joint replacements if BMI is over 30!! To think that I might be refused to be allowed to live until my weight is down to 170, a level I haven't seen in over 40 years, or even lower!!!

So what can I do?

Well, I already know I have to eat under 1000 calories a day if I want to loose even 1 pound a week, so I guess I'm going to have to stop eating full meals and just eat a 200 calorie "meal" every few hours. To prevent the nutritional deficiencies that will certainly occur by depriving this body of food I'm going to have to invest in some super-duper multi-vitamin and minerals, too. And why not an occasional trip to the hospital for some IV fluids now and then?

Forget exercise - my blood sugar will be so low, my bones so brittle, that anything I try to do will only harm me, if I even had the strength to do an exercise video or hop on the treadmill.

And I'll no longer be a good wife or mother, as I'll have no strength to care for this apartment or do any basic cooking or cleaning - I'm already weak and fatigued due to my 25 years history of CFS and now the still un-treated hypothyroidism. Sooner or later the doc will get the dosage right, but in the meantime being deficient is harming my metabolism a bit more each day so it'll never be considered normal. A slow metabolism isn't going to lead to any great amounts of weight loss, so I'll most likely have to eat even less way than the 1000 calories I needed to lose weight as an active pre-teen, over 40 years ago.

So I'll be obsessing even more about food in the future. Oh, joy.

But I really should have a more positive attitude about this. So what if I won't be able to eat again for the rest of my life. Food - and living - is highly over rated, don'cha think?

Nah! Did you (or *I*) really think that was gonna happen, that I would cut back my already trimmed-down list of allowable foods, the ones on the McDougall Plan for something less? Sure, I can go back to eating meat and dairy and count every quarter teaspoon that I use and maybe lose a pound or so a month. Then I would be feeling like I predicted above. Or I can just continue to eat healthy low fat vegan foods and let my lab work and blood pressure show the results better than the scale could.

Yeah, I think that's what's gonna happen instead.

Here I Go Again

Will I ever get a hold of my eating? Since my last post in October I spent 3 months passing the flu back and forth among family members, gained back 15 hard-lost pounds, fell back into the sugar and salty snacks, and almost completely stopped exercising.

I also stopped reading all my Overeaters Anonymous literature. I even packed up all the books and tapes and put them in storage.

But today a glimpse of sanity returned with the chance reading of someone's blog, someone who has recently returned to OA herself, and she sounded so serene, even though no weight had been lost yet.

I want what she has, and the only way to do it is to dive back into OA!

So today I went into the storage area and unpacked all the OA lit from that box. I kept all the diet books in there, though. Most of them are memorized already, anyway. A lot of good that did, huh? Already I read from my daily meditations books, typed up some journalling, re-subbed to the few OA lists I didn't find too over-the-top, and now I'm writing this post. Later on I'll sit in on an on-line meeting or 2, and tomorrow start the search for a sponsor who's compatible with my vegan food plan.

Still Crazy After All These Years

It's more than a Paul Simon song, it's the story of my weight-loss life.

Why don't I even listen to myself?? I said back in June I would stop dieting, then in July I went on 1200 calories for 2 months, lost a grand total of 5 pounds at the end (after first gaining a few then losing a few to finish at a loss), and as soon as I started eating apx 1400 - 1600 cal again immediately regained them.

I have a birthday coming up. I just spent the past week reviewing a number of weight loss plans, from the old Deal A Meal to the Rice Diet, thought I was coming to this blog to change it to a weight loss journey, read what I previously wrote, and now I'm having second (millionth!!) thoughts again.

This past week I made wholesome family meals, and last night hubby commented on how content his tummy has been, but he's waiting for the other show to drop, for me to return to low-cal meals. I told him nothing we ate was particularly high in calories - tofu, skinless chicken breasts, tuna, even a vegan meal made primarily of broccoli and chickpeas - and he asked why we don't eat like this every week, if it's so good for us.

(sigh)

I've really got to get my head on straight! I'm already in my mid-50's - do I really want to spend the rest of my life like I spent the past 50+ years when it comes to food?

I didn't think so!

Ya know what, don't even bother reading this post. Just scroll down to what I wrote almost a year ago and re-read it, because the sentiments are the same.

At least I made a bit of progress since then. I bought a cookbook that, although it's still vegan, it's far from low fat. Since I bought Vegan With A Vengeance last month I've been having fun baking again. Whodda thunk you could make healthier cupcakes? I have to cut back on the sugar and use some whole wheat flour in them because of my hypoglycemia and teeth (I had to hit the dentist after the third batch of cupcakes, but there's no cavity), but even with those slight changes the food is delicious.

I'm allowing myself fruit juice again, something I avoided for years because Dr. McDougall said juices are bad for you.

I even have real chocolate now and then again, and can even keep a bag of chocolate chip cookies in the house without devouring them within 24 hours or less. Holy shiitake! I guess OO does work when you work it!

And I'm about to draw the line on scrambled tofu. I just had it again today, only the third time ever, and not only does it taste horrible and nothing like eggs, I could buy an entire dozen organic eggs from free-range chickens for what it cost to make! Why eat bad tasting food?

And what I'm about to say next will be no surprise to the chronic dieters out there. You know when I lost the most weight? Yep, after I stopped the very low fat, low cal food plan and started eating the baked goods and real foods again.

I should just repeat the same post over and over again, as I'm going through the same actions over and over. Yes, I've forayed (sp?) into dieting again; yes, I "declared" the end to dieting again; yes, I made up a menu with only veg low-fat foods, then changed it to "real" foods, then back to diet meals.

I believe in non-dieting. I believe diets just make me crave forbidden foods. But I don't want to regain the weight! I'm too fat as it is!I guess I have no choice.

But haven't I been saying this for a few years now, yet keep gaining weight? The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over nad over again and expecting different results. THAT is my dieting history. So again I declare an end to diets!

Now let's see if I repeat this exact same post in a few days.

It's been 10 days, and for those of you who *know* OO, you've already probably suspected that since I last posted I've been on and off the "diet" plan at least 10 times now. And you're right!

I've been having such a hard time convincing myself that I should *not* be eating just veggies & whole grains, that a few cookies won't kill me, that it's alright to have a (non-veggie) burger and fries now and then. And when I do eat them, I feel so guilty that for the next few meals I eat even less than before, as a punishment or something.

This morning I stopped by my parents' grave again. The flowering hydrangea bush I planted a week ago is dead, trampled over by people who attended another burial next to theirs. I was so annoyed, as that bush cost more than what I usually spend on dinner for the 3 of us each night! And it started me off. I remember promising my dad that I'd stop dieting and start living just days before he died in April, then felt so guilty (That word again. I guess it comes from being Catholic) that I let him down so much in life, and now I'm letting him down in death. Then I started thinking about how my husband and son have patiently been putting up with my wacky diets all these years, and felt bad for that. I told myself that my own husband isn't going to be around forever, either, so I really should stop all this restricted food nonsense and just feed us all with normal foods in normal amounts, make dessert every day, and not worry about losing a few (or dreams of over 100) pounds.

So I start again. Dinner today is some Mexican pasta dish that I already planned and shopped for; tomorrow is our weekly homemade pizza day; Saturday is our spaghetti day. But come Sunday, it's old-fashioned, All-American family favorites, like Mac & Cheese, burgers on the 4th of July, meatloaf and pork chops - all favorites of hubby and the kid but rarely served because I'm always "on a diet".

Hubby & I are already in our 50's and have at most about 30 years left to go. Do I really want to spend them eating tofu and carrot sticks? My dad didn't, and he lived a nice, full life, even with cancer for his last 15 years. He ate what he wanted and was happy and active, even the day he died he ate a donut and had regular (not decaf) coffee and some chocolate pudding. That's how *I* would like to go when the time comes!

I think after lunch I'll give my stepmom a call. She always cheers me up, especially when it comes to food. Too bad she lives 1200 miles away.

WHY, Oh why don't I believe this is going to work for me? I guess 50+ years of dieting has taken its mental toll on me. I go just a few hours with OO in mind, and start panicking that the small piece of kielbasy I'm about to eat is going to put weight on me or raise my blood pressure, that maybe I should have some brown rice and veggies (plain, no gravy or sauce) or just a salad instead.

I had a nice talk with hubby over the weekend. Poor guy! He's been with me through thick and thicker (I've never been thin in my life!), diet after diet, and he's probably so sick of listening to me whine, not just about how guilty and frustrated I feel when I eat like a normal person, but the continuous weight gain even while sticking strictly to the McDougall MWLP (Maximum Weight Loss Program - http://www.fatfree.com/diets/mcdougall.html ) . More than once he told me to forget about trying to adhere to a "diet" but to just eat like a normal person. This is a man who weighs the same now, at age 54, as he did when he graduated high school! He once lost 50 pounds on a whim back in college, didn't like the way he felt, added back his night time snack and regained the weight, and has stayed there ever since with no thought or effort. How I wish *I* could be like that!

Anyway, every now and then I look back at my old journals and food journals. Ever since I started keeping them, back before my 21 y.o. son was even conceived, I've been moaning about the same thing. I would truly like to stop dieting and start living, but then events like this weekend's occur.

I've worn size 3X since high school. I gain and lose weight in places where it doesn't matter to size - in my face, in my back, on my feel and legs, upper arms - you get the picture. I felt so good about *not* dieting that I told hubby I want to go out and buy new summer tops, so we headed to K-Mart on Saturday. There weren't many shirts that size, and some I held up looked smaller than a child's Large, but I finally found 4 that looked good. Their dressing rooms are too dangerous to go into, especially alone, but the shirts looked like they'd fit when I held them up, and 3X in The Avenue last week was big enough - even too big in the underarm area, which is why I didn't buy them - so I bought these, anyway. It was warm out, so as soon as we got home I figured I'd put one on. It's been so long since I had *new* clothes I was almost giddy. I don't count the stuff I bought at the Fat Girl Flea Market as "new", even though they were new to *me*.

I cried. All 4 tops clung like casing on a sausage, even the shoulders, where they're usually loose on me! It was so humiliating and frustrating! HOW can I even THINK of not dieting if I look like THIS?? When the largest size clothes in the store don't fit, where do I turn next? Is not dieting and gaining back everything I previously lost even an option any more? I'm *wearing* the size I wore when I was almost 300 pounds, the size I tried to buy is the size I wore at almost 300 pounds!

I *can* make my own clothing, but you know how frustrating *that* is, especially when you're one size on top, another on the bottom, and not only do you not know anyone else who sews but there's not even a fabric store in the same city? Well, there *is* a craft store that sells fabric, but the selection is very limited. If you want a calico, denim, upholstery fabric, or specialty prints around Christmastime, then it's okay, but double-knits suitable for t's and tanks? Nope. It would have to be mail ordered, and because I'm on such a limited budget as it is, anything I buy sight-unseen might be really crappy and usually non-returnable. Besides, with my neuritis and arthritis in my neck, anything more than 15 minutes at the sewing machine and I'm crippled up for a few weeks.

So, I just spent the past 48 hours alternately crying about weight gain and crying because even when I starve myself I continue to gain and crying because if I don't stay on a very low cal food plan I'll gain even more. Last week alone I gained - - -

Huh! I didn't gain anything! And it's the same as the week before, too. In fact, I'm only 3 pounds more than I was on May 20th, and I started gaining when I was still on strict McDougall. Not dieting (but still obsessing) hasn't put more than 3 pounds on me in a month.

Maybe this will work out, afterall. I just have to:
1) Stop weighing myself.
2) Finish reading the OO and When Women Stop Hating Their Bodies books.
2) Get back into sewing. Even cheap fabric can make a nice blouse when made by the right person.
3) STOP DIETING, stop starving myself, and start eating when hungry!

This morning I went to the cemetary to plant a hydrangea bush on the grave site that my parents and grandparents are in. I promised my step-mom I would bring flowers for my dad's "first Father's Day in Heaven" and I was too depressed to do it last week so I went today after the laundromat. I spent the entire trip - first to the nursery to buy the bush, then the drive out to plant it and visit a while - thinking about FOOD because I hadn't eating in about 4 hours. Even when I got in I was a "good little girl" and didn't eat but came to the computer and started putzing around, including writing most of this post. At least after a while I did get up and make myself something I just "discovered" the weeks I was following OO - a fruit smoothie. All I use is a ripe banana, some strawberries, OJ and soy milk, but to me it's as rich as a milk shake, something else I haven't had in 20 years.

I do have my work cut out for me, don't I?

This afternoon I better spend some time with my patterns and fabric stash. I *must* have a tank top pattern or 2 in nearly my size that I can alter, and maybe even some suitable cotton knit fabric hiding somewhere. I'm debating whether or not I should return the shirts that don't fit, save them for the FAR future when I might fit into them, or do what I plan on doing to some Disney t's I have alter them to fit. I'll probably wind up just returning them. Why bother having that reminder of how fat I am (or how cheap K-Mart is) around?